the secret club

I have joined a secret club. My confession of miscarriage has unintentionally placed me in a club that a staggering number of women would give anything to exit...I had no idea. Statistics like "one in six" just look like numbers until the hearts behind them start to email you up to the hundreds.  Some of you wear the burden of this club completely alone. Not a soul on earth other than your OB or husband knowing its weight. Secrets can grow a woman old. And though this one is so delicately private, I'm praying for strength to reach out.

Your emails and messages have blown me away. My husband wondered out loud if God might not be letting me go through this so that I can minister to you. I bristled a bit at that, knowing that right now...right now I have nothing to offer you except my own experience. I have no answers...only questions. And feelings I don't know how to deal with myself just yet.

I go back to the OB tomorrow (Monday).  Part of me wonders if we won't get a miracle. Will we walk in the office, look at the sono and see life beating strong there? I know we could, but I don't believe we will. I feel different. I feel empty of life even though my womb still carries its form. Not much has changed. A few mild cramps here and there, but nothing else. I'm prepared to beg for more time because honestly, I'm scared to death of how I might react to a D & C. I think if my body would just do this I could handle it. I'm not saying it would be easy or that I wouldn't suffer or grieve, but I'm just not sure how well I'll handle a D & C emotionally. With everything in me I do not want it. Would you continue to pray with me?

My family and I spent the last week at the beach. At first I thought the timing was horrible. I had visions of having the miscarriage there and ruining the whole thing, but now I see it as God's sweet blessing. He visited me there, sustained me there and left me in tears every single day thanking Him for the gift of my precious family. My husband is truly amazing and my boys are so beautiful to me it hurts. I think I've spent a lot of time looking at what is wrong with my family. I've been struggling the last few months with my boys (hubby too), only seeing what they do wrong and letting it break me. At the beach, the Lord allowed me to truly see all that they do right. Maybe the baby lost brought us that gift. Maybe it took death for me to truly see life.

That would give it some kind of purpose.

A gift wrapped in something I never would have asked for. "Please Lord, let the gift stay. Let the veil that's been lifted from my eyes stay gone forever. Let me always see Your gifts to me so freely. And help us as we continue to walk through this journey?"

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