empty and full

It's fall in Virginia. The leaves are falling, rain gently coaxing them from their perches. In my house, candles flicker, coffee's brewing, cookies are smelling up the house... ...and I'm no longer pregnant.

Intense pain five hours long on Tuesday and a visit to the OB today confirms it.

I feel empty. But at the same time full of thanksgiving that I was allowed to do this naturally. We went to the store and bought pillow pets for the boys. They saw them weeks ago and I promised they could have them when the baby came. The baby has come and is gone, so we bought the sweet, soft toys to help them remember their brother in heaven. To us, it just doesn't make sense that it could've been anything other than a boy.

I imagine we'll pick a name and have a memorial service of some kind, just us, soon. But I don't feel ready yet. I imagine I'll buy another ring with a September birthstone to stack close to the others. It should've been a different color - April.

My emotions are everywhere. I laugh, I cry, I get really ticked off and then I feel sorry that I snapped. I'm asking God to handle my emotions right now because I know some of the flux is hormonal. I'm not quite ready to be around people...just a select few. But at the same time I'm anxious to ease back into life. We're so far behind on school, and yet I'm thankful for the flexibility homeschooling gives us to just do life.

And mostly, I just want to be like David. I know there will be times of grief that hit out of nowhere...rightfully so, we've suffered a loss...but I also know that the chance for life - this life - is gone. My prayers now are that God will help us take this loss and turn it into a deeper thanksgiving for the life we have, than we ever could have had without it. David begged God for grace while there was still a chance for the life of his son. Then, when that life slipped away, he went on with his, still a man with a heart after God's.

May our hearts ever be after God's.

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