I have a secret to share.
My husband was not the first man I fell in love with.
There was another before him.
Memories I shared with another man...
I've had a crush on my man since the 3rd grade. It's true! He and his family moved to my home town when I was in the third grade and he was in the fifth grade. His two older brothers were the rage of the high school and he pretty much owned the grade school that year. He actually sold his school pictures! Can you believe that? (Yeah...I totally bought one).
I've been in some form of love with this man since I was a wee one...our romantic paths almost crossed several times throughout our lives. (He turned me down when I asked him to a dance in the eighth grade!) When I moved up to high school, it was him that I wanted to notice me. I literally dreamed of him...what it would be like to hold his hand. How it would feel the first time we kissed.
A few years and a few young, fairly meaningless relationships passed. Our paths would cross at church often. A few times I had to remind myself why I was going to church...when he wasn't there I would be so disappointed.
One summer after he graduated from high school I saw him at a dance. He lavished attention on me that night. We danced. We talked. I blushed and felt that old familiar flutter. My best friend leaned over and said, "we're not going through this again are we?" Oh my yes...we are.
But it never happened.
The Lord didn't officially bring us together until I was 20 years old. And I was dating someone else when he first started pursuing me. Someone I was in love with. Someone I really thought I might spend the rest of my life with. But my relationship with this man had started to fall apart and I was vulnerable to being swept off of my feet.
And so I was...
One day, after I had taken my daily walk with his sister-n-law, my man insisted on driving me home. I tried my best to get out of it, but in my heart I wanted to climb up in that truck and get lost...he persisted and I agreed.
It was the moment that changed everything.
He told me everything my heart had dreamed of hearing from him all of those years. That he had been looking for a soul mate and never realized that I had been right in front of him all along. He apologized for the times he had hurt me in the past by stepping on my heart and told me that if it wasn't too late, he would love to be in the competition for my it.
And I didn't close the door.
I spent the next four years of my life dating this man who's seal was set firmly upon my heart! We had a fairy tale courtship...made for each other...can't get enough of each other...soul connection kind of love. And I hang on to my memories of that love every day.
Sometimes I wish that I had never been in love before him. When times get hard and our marriage gets lost in the shuffle of shift work, ministry, screaming children and financial stress...when the stress of his job starts to change who he is...when I feel misunderstood...when what he says opens up an old wound and satan throws the Fiery Darts my way. When that song comes on the radio that reminds me of a sweet time with another man...
My heart can wander...and wonder.
"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23)
The Lord has taught me vigilance. Above all else, my heart belongs to my Father. But my husband and I are ONE FLESH. And I don't take that lightly. To remove me from him is to leave me half a person...with no way to tell which half I am anymore...so intertwined are our lives. I love him deeply. I believe God chose him for me.
But love isn't enough. Soap operas aren't real. Life isn't always "happily ever after." My dreams for my marriage haven't all come true...
Some never will.
But there is something stronger, deeper between us now than just love.
"...a threefold cord is not quickly broken." (Ecclesiastes 4:12). It's inscribed on the inside of his wedding band. So he'll never forget that we can't do this on our own.
Marriage is a fight. Not an argument...but a fight for something "more" than what I can be alone. A heart that says, "You're mine. And as much as it depends on me I will chose you and you alone...I will love you and you alone. And I will fight against anything that threatens to come between us with every ounce of strength I have in my being.
So I turn off the radio. I disconnect from Facebook. I choose not to act on my feelings or emotions...because I KNOW THE TRUTH. My heart is deceitful above all else. I can't trust my feelings. Especially not when I'm hurt or angry.
I choose truth.
And I guard my marriage...
...sometimes even from me.
How do you keep your heart from wandering?
My friend Teri Lynne also has some thoughts on guarding the intimacy of your marriage. Be sure to head over there soon. For a running list of all Fresh Year, Fresh Start links clink on the green button at the top right-hand corner of my blog. And don't forget that Friday brings you yet another chance to share your plans for a fresh start this year and enter to win a FRESH BLOG MAKEOVER FRESH blog makeover by Jo-Lynne (@dcrmom) of DCR Design .
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